Money, is it all we desperate for?

Just that when I have some money, people just marching to me and begging for some.

 

Really, Sagal I do not understand her at all, how could you keep taking advantages of me? Have I ever done anything bad to you?

“No”, as far as I can remember but the more I help you the more you do not pay me any respect.

 

You borrowed my money loads since we moved into this house. Started by owed me for gas, electricity and internet. You keep promising that you will give it back to me so and so.

Once we went out shopping, you wanted to have a very nice and expensive jacket, you did lie to me that in your whatever “card” only have 20 pounds and the rest of your money was in Swedish card then I bought it and you did promise to give it back.

I was foolish enough of course, I did believe that you wouldn’t dare to just walk away because I didn’t know you and you surely, didn’t know me that well.

Then, you was going to go to New York, Loads of telling lies might have had just happened by then.

You came to me, showed me how desperate you were that you needed to go to America for Christmas, you said that it has been a mistake overhere. You said that Vodafone is going to charge you because you owed them certain amount of money. So, I asked you how much do you owe then you made up some numbers so I asked you how much do you want. So, you said 400 pounds then I lent you.

Just before you left, you came up to me again and said that your friends who have gone to America couldn’t get hold of the house owner who you would be staying in their houses, it is like a swap house, that what you told me. You said that you desperate for money because it was out of your budget, your friends already booked into the hotel and you have to be with them. Then, you asked if you could borrow another 200, but I could only give you 100.

Look at how selfish you are, you want cash but you don’t want to walk down to the proper cash machine, all you want just to take money out at the cash machine in the nearby shop but my card will be charged and you did again “promise” me that you will give the charges back to me.

 

You went and had fun in America, came back with such a lie again, telling that you lost all of the presents that you bought on the train but you didn’t seem to be frustrated about it.

You, again, keep bying things going to pubs, clubs and drinks ever so often.

Then, you gave money back to me, only 500 pounds and you forgot every other pennies that you did promised, you forgot all of utility bills, you forgot your jacket price and you forgot all the charges that you used my card to take out at this cash machine.

Then, by the time that I had no money, I asked you if I could borrow. Oh, yes, you did lend me actually, 500 pounds.

However, you keep exploiting me, you never paid for utility bills, you borrowed money and said that I can take it out from 500 pounds.

All together for the second lot was 50 pounds but you said you only owed me 30 pounds.

Then, by the time I’ve got money to pay you back, you wanted me to give it back to your Swedish account which of course it will be charges. You didn’t care of course. Worst than that, you required money back 500 pounds and you will give 30 pounds as you said that you owed me, back when you’re ready for it.

 

Is this how to treat me, sagal?

Just that you do not have money, just that you spent money without thinking, will it be my responsibility to keep giving you money? Is that so?

Who do you think I am?

I am just a poor person, who came here to study and relie on my allowance that my government support me to survive in UK not to be a philanthropist.

However, I did put money into your Swedish account only 470 pounds and let all charges be taken from your end, not mine.

 

Oh no! not yet, the money story hasn’t come to an end, not yet.

 

My mum, my beloved mum.

She recently just bought a house in the South of Thailand where I don’t feel that I belong to but she does. I kept asking her, beging her to buy a house in Bangkok or somewhere nearby so I do not have to travel long way when I go back to Thailand.

No, she never listened to me, she never loved me, in fact. She only enjoys my company because she can say to everyone that I am blind but so clever and most of all, I have money.

I’m not only studying in UK, I work part time, I work hard and study hard. So when my holidays arrive I will be able to spend my savings for traveling.

So mum thinks that I have lots of money, oh yeah, certainly if converts the pound stirling into the baht, it seems that I earned quite a lot. But no, not really, the living standard is so high in the UK, though she keep asking money from me.

I won’t object to give some to her since she is my mother, who gave me my life, who brought me up in a nicely way. However, I cannot give her as much as she wants.

Then, I feel guilty, then I have to give her the amount that she requires and ended up with starving myself and have no money left. She bought house, I never approved, she has her reasons but I don’t agree.

She asked if I could help her so I have to.

I don’t like this situation, the situation which my sister doesn’t help but she gets everything, the situation where nobody hugs me and stop taking money from me.

I am, at the end of the day, not the best person, not a nun and surely not alterist. I always think that we help people and feel good about helping just when we ready and wish to help. I don’t like being psychologically forced to help.

I am just a human beings, need to have my own house, my own business, have dreams to fulfill but everyone stops mine.

This is why I don’t like money, I can’t live without it but don’t like it at all. It causes me stress, it gives me pains.

 

But then, I have to be strong, I have my goals to reach, I have to keep my head high and keep walking straight to reach them.

I’m telling myself that if I’m getting tired now, then I just have to sit down and have a rest.

 

Every problem has its own solutions, I do believe that, though I do not know how long does the solution will come but when it does, it’s there.

goodbye!

Somebody might wonder why I always post just “sad”, “depress” or else not very creative.Well, my answer is this, I will write when I feel not so good or in other word, when I feel sad or that sort of emotions.I think our inspiration to write is varied depend on each individual.This morning, Sagal (my housemate) she asked me to borrow 200 pounds from me again! Seriously though people, she hadher loan came in during January and that suppose to be half year allowance, but there we go! she has already finished those nearly six thousand pounds, in that! Les than 4 months. She said that she will pay me back the end of May…I for the first time that I had enough of her so I did say “no”. I’ve learnt from her a lot, learnt that people can lie just to get what they want. She taught me on how to  recognize such a big liar like herself! She has such a talent that when she needs something from me, she will come up to my room and start chat me away, makes me confused on what purposes that she want from me, she will maek up or will have lots of reasons to say that she’s in desperate of money and ended up promising that she will give me back, when with certain amount of money.You know what? I never get what she promised except when borrowed a big chunk out of me (which is of course she had to pay me back) but if like 5, 10 up to 50 pounds , she can easily forget. Ah well, what can I say, really, if not goodbye!One reason that forced me to flee myself away from this house is her. I cannot stand to be her Cash Machine anymore.Though she has done many things to me, shouted at me when she was drunk just that Ziba wasn’t at home for her to shout at, borrowed my money, taken my food without telling and other things, I do not angry with her and yet do not hate her either. But I had enough, Iforgive her but I won’t forget.She will be one of my life lesson that I will have to re-read it again.

travellings and wonderrings?

It’s nearly summer (though not as quite yet!), time for holidays and time for me to go home!

As I always travel, do not know how mnay flights per year I take and all come to these no matter where I go (except some circumstances that only occur at the big airport)

When you do travelling for holidays, do you ever take any notice as I have done, or would it just be me! who has nothing else to do but observe people.

firstly, when you check in at the check in desk, I always wonder why this question has to be asked and that question always amuse me no matter how mnay times I’v heard it.

Us: give passport and ticket + load our suitcase.

A person at check in desk: “has anyone put something into your suitcase without your permission?”

Well? what kind of question is that! let’s face it, if anyone ever wanted to put anything into my suitcase wihtout my permission or without my notice? Then, how on earth will I be able to answer this question? surely, “without me realising it”, isn’t that phrase explains itself? If I didn’t know! how would I be able to tell? if they wanted to hide something suitcase then…. they wouldn’t let me know, would they?

Secondly, after you have checked in, answered those little questions, like, have you bought any presents for anyone? yeah, sure if I’ve bought them I would let you know straight away so you can fine me, wouldn’t i?

nywa, when you walk along the duty free shopping place, all that you can hear is women’s shoes, it can either be flipflop or high heel sandles which are tremendously noisy! Furthermore, their bangols! their ear rings! oh! my! god! why do they need to wear them all at once? and when they walk! clinging, clipclop, flip flop all along.

I am a woman as the matter of fact! but I don’t wear those when I travel, rather annoying! sitting in the small seat on the plan is bad enough, why would I want some other metals hanging on my wrist, my ears and other part, is that comfortable to sleep on the plane like that? no! surely not!

Thirdly, another thing that I’ve noticed! where is gate number 1? I no matter where I fly from, bangkokg, heathrow, gatwick, hong kong, singapore, china etc… where is their gate 1? Why my plane or just my plane? always at gate 32 49 57? Why do I have to walk such long walk and injured my feet before I even get to holiday places?

Fourthly, when you are being boarded on the plane, I don’t know whether it’s just the usual airline’s captain or just happen to the airline that I take, why do their captains has to whisper? You know when they annouce something like when we up in the air and settle and it’s the time for captain to say hello and stuff. Can’t they speak normally? loudly? clearly? more comprehensable may be? instead of just talk to himself in a very low voice and so fast and no comprehention in his tone at all. All I could catch was just “I’m sorry that our flight is running a little late, we will have to make up sometime” and then muffle all along!

ah wel… about flights and travelling with my experiences… still more.. but It is too cold! to finish it off besides I’ve got headache as well…

schizophreanic weather

Britian is so well-known of weather, raining, sunshine, windy all at once or to be more precise! keep changing from one minute to next minute.

This weekend is Easter weekend and surprisingly! (or not) we have snow around UK> However, it is so mental, the weather is, snow then stops then snow then stop…. ah wel…. what can we say more to that except it is so typical british weather.

It always an idea of snowing during christmad but not anymore! it is Easter when we have snow all over UK>

ah well, who to blame if not “us” we are the people who have made the weatehr changes. We use a lot of spray, air conditioners, plastic and so on.

Anyway, it is after all “easter holiday” time for Easter eggs, scones and cup of tea…nice nice!

Good friday for you! normal friday for me!

I’m so relax and in peace since it has been many days that two of my housemates gone home!!!

The wednesday just gone, people from the office of Educational affair of the royal thai student came to visit. I thought or I did expect something nasty or bad might have had happen to me but wasn’t really… wasn’t that bad at all.

I’ve learnt that they quite enjoy nice and charming girl so i had to pretend to be one. Ah well, pretending is not my favourite thing to do but I do think that we all done that or at least realise that we have to do that.

They took us (thai students) to thai restaurant, wasn’t that brilliant thai food either but it’s ok…

The weather here keep changing all the time, one minute rain and next minute sunny and windy all along, typical british weather really.

I don’t know how to express that I am happy that nobody’s at the house and just me! great feelings (once in a while) though I am still being pressurised by other people but at least this moment of my life giving is giving me more energies like charging up myself I suppose.

One of my close friend in thailand she’s having a problem… all to do with one guy who’s already got a girlfriend but still erm… well not actually all his faults but anyway, I’m here to support her, help her when I can or when she wants. I’m not denying that what she’s doing is rahter morally wrong, but then again moral or not up to the society to decide and we have live our lives through society expectations all the time.

Anyway, I should end this otherwise I’l have to write about moral, social expectation for at least 3 pages hahahahaha!!

most annoying morning

After my birthday thoughts etc. I went to bed and tried to have some good sleep and yes I had, except:

One O’clock on the morning, Sagal (the housemate that always relies on me) she had her friends round and made such noise, so I texted them and asked if they could reduce their level of noise down a bit and so they did and left to nightclub.

five O’clock on the morning, she knocked on my door and said that Ziba (the housemate that always have boyfriend around) locked the small bedroom (the bedroom that I used to stayed before I’ve moved into the bigger one since Liz has left, so the small bedroom has turned to be a guests’ room). Sagal knocked on my door and said that Ziba has locked the room and asked if I do have a key for it. So I said no I don’t. Then, she said that it must be a key that you guys who live upstair can use to access every room so I said no. I told her that I do not have any key since Liz did not leave herkey behind and I didn’t touched the smallest bedroom’s key since I’ve left the room.

ainly though, they both (ziba and sagal) were the people who use that room I never touched it since I left except when I need to clean the upstair so I need to plug the hoover.

 told  Sagal that it is always a key at the keyhole but she did not believe me. Then, she left to ring Ziba I suppose but I don’t know what she did then after that 20 mins she came and knock on my door again. She said in an aggressive way, “where exactly that u seen the key?” so I said it’s always there, then she said “where” then I had to get out of my bed to point where I saw the key but I didn’t know or don’t know where it is now. Then, she said I never sen a key in my whole life, I never sen that door has a key. So, i said it was a key attached to that door. Then, she said no. so, I said i don’t know where but come to think about it. If there was not key, how could the door been locked? So, she said I don’t know I don’t care why the fuck that this door is locked but I never seen a key on that door in my life. So, the story has changed , it turned to be that I lied to her about the key. I got so angry that hardly happened to me. i told her if she’s gonna sand here and shout at me then go ahead but I have sen the key and I do not know where the key is now and if she’s drunk and upset that her friends have nowhere to sleep then do not need to have a go at me like that, just that she couldn’t shout at ziba doesn’t mean that I was Ziba substitute for her to shout at, then I went back into my room and got so angry.

hen, before I left the house to go to library, she came to me and said sorry to me as well as on msn, she said “oh, i’m soooooo sorry I know that u r a lovely person I shouldn’t have done that” i sadi it’s ok.

but if you ask me whether I really forgive her, yes i do in the matter of fact, but I wish not to have anything to do with ehr anymore. I have seen so many times that she’s lost control and started to shout and being so idiotic to other people, never listened to other people just acting as if other person was a criminal or some sort. I do forgive her but not wanna be her friend after all.

wish good luck for her but no need for further relationship.

birthday conclusion!

Happy birthday to me!

It’s nearly gone (british time) my birthday! It was sort of ok. In fact, my birthday I shouldn’t be celebrating at all since it has to be the day that my mum nearly diedy because of giving birth. I really do reckon that we should be thankful to our mum in stead of spending ridiculous money on friends or drinks, what we should do is ring our mum and say ow much we love her! I amnot that emotional person I don’t normally expressing our feelings to our parents or the one we love (this is probably thai thing) though I know that she knows that I love her so much.

I had my sister first rang me, then tommy, then mum and P Kay then P bo and Ple then P Pomme. That’s all and I’m pleased and thank them ever so much.

I did go and cook for Geoff Smith and went to have few drinks with friends. They try to drink me out but hahahaha this is me of course! I had four double vodka and one cherry and still not drunk. Then I left, came back home. Sagal cooked for me though she couldn’t remember that it was my birthday until i have said that I went to see friends because of my birthday.

t wasn’t that bad… after all.

ow, this year for me gona be so tough I think. Lots of works and less of happiness but I suppose this what life is.

I finally wish everyone a happy life and succeed in whatever they do and that includes me.

oh, btw, Nidnoi rang and wish a happy birthday as well as kitti

Let it be!

When I find myself in time of troubles, mother mary comes to me… speaking words of wisdom “let it be”

Not that I’m a christian of course but this song is such a buddhist’s thoughts… There will be an answer… let it be.

Thai time is my birthday now, I had a phone call from my beloved sister, the only sister that I have and who always love me, the sister that always give me some problems and yet always be there for me.

When the night is cloudy there is still lights shine on me!

The more peopl taking advantages of me (not that I have a lot for them to take!) the more I get stronger.

I have learnt through various situations that I have to be strong, I have to let it be, let it go… sometime, something at some point, we can’t change it.

There always be times that we find problems out of our control, many psychologists, psychiatrists and all that always suggest that “we” need to find the root of problem and try to solve from the root. Is that true? Is that so easy? No! not at all, there will be time that we find problems that cannot be changed and yet canot be solve. So, the  simplest way is “let things be”, “let things go” if things out of own control then “let it gone”

I always expect that life will be so even as well as our own paths. The more even path is, the stronger we get from walking on that path.

home

Another winter’s day has come and gone away…

Shockingly! this week since the beginning I’ve been asking to lend money whole week.

Starting by a thai person who’s been in Uk for ages, he desperate for money to pay of his credit card and all that, he wants 500 pounds, he asked me if I could borrow my mum for him.

Second one is my housemate who is always borrow mine anyway.

Third, a british guy who is as old as my uncle, doesn’t work, relies on benefit though did let me stay when I couldn’t find a house. I am suppose to move into his place the end of this month and agreed to pay him 100 pounds a month for bills etc. He asked me if he could have 100 pounds now because it is the time to pay for bills. Is that right though? I am not even move in, why should I pay?

After all these, I feel so tired, feel like I’ve been taken for granted, been wondering myself on what I’ve ever done to them? why are they so nasty to me? I’ve told them do not know how many times that i do not have money, I’m so broke myself anyway.

Then, the landlord emailed me accusing me of something… like I will not pay any money or something. My housemate the one who always take money from me, she rang the lnadlord and said that I have already asked someone to move in the end of this month. then, the landlord got angry with me saying that I should have let him know. but I haven’t actually decided yet whether to sublet to anyone that’s why I haven’t told him. However, was that her place to go and tel the landlord like that though?

I wish I could cry, cry to let all of these out, the problem is… I can’t. I’ve been represing my emotions for so long, I wanted to cry but I do not wish to, if someone understand what I mean.

Whenever I have problmes I will listen to music which is kind of help and one song that I have to listen when I’m sad or feeling so down is “can’t take that away” by Mariah Carry, and “let it be” and “home”

I want to go home, let my mum cook for me, hugs me and do not have to worry about anything else, don’t have to care whether this world will end, just be there, at home, with my mum and my sister.

Let me go home… I’m done… I don’t know how long that I will be able to tollerate, i can’t take anything anymore, i need peace, have a rest.

I’ve learnt, learnt that I have to be strong, one day I shall get my strength back at some point even though I’m so lonely.

fear and solutions

It hasn’t been easy for me at all to face so many problems all at once.

After all problems and problems, I still fear, fear of losing, fear of failure. I realise that these kind of feelings would happen to us all once in a while. Sometime I told myself to be brave, to stay calm and to forgive but then it seem that I as a human being have limitations. I find that the more I face problems the quicker i do fear.

I’m so scared that I will fail to do what I am doing, I fear of may be … truths.

I’ve been telling myself that I want to do good things for people but after all… is that really me?

I hope that 2 of my housemates will stop exploiting me,

in fact, I do hope that everyone wil stop exploiting me.

yes, precisely I have learnt that nobody is perfect and that including me.