Dear: diary.
How r u these days? I haven’t been talking to you for ages… I’ve been avoiding you thinking that I could manage without you. But really, I have no one but you to talk to and listen to me.
No one knows what’s it like to be me, no I guess no one would. No one knows what’s it likes to be the bad girl, to be sad person, to be mistreated. I’m not even sure whether you, my diary will understand all of those feelings but at least you listen to me and never judged me on what I am and what I’ve done.
I’m bored with Geoff really, and seriously, I don’t know you see? Why I always get this feelings, not that many people that I will have this feelings towards. I feel he interferes my life, demanding and not really kind person as he always claims. I mean, what is the point of sending money to someone and starving yourself, honestly.
As to that, I know that I shouldn’t interfere. Like this morning, he asked money for another 100 for april which I am going to give it to him more just to shut him up I suppose. Do you know what he said to me? He said I’m happy for you to be here even though I’ve paid more. That’s sort of… show off. You know? If you’re really kind why would you claim yourself to be kind and generous in front of others. He just doing good things so people will apraise him which is not really what good people meant to be.
Oh, I did ring Ryan last night just to see how he was etc etc. He went all weird to me which I don’t really like… That is another thing though, when I feel weird, I will wait, I would have just avoided to talk so I will not have to upset friends or myself. Then, he texted me to say sorry but I don’t know really Diary, don’t know what I feel after he acted like that. He seems to think that he is the only person who’s been in such a big problems, basically, him and I are looking at things differently, as to that, I know it is not his fault but no point of arguing about how the world should be run, is there? between friends I mean.
The Landlord rang me this morning as well asking about rent. Yes, Diary I do lie to him to him that I went to France and I have to go back. This is all Sagal nastiness, she must have told him. As if I cared huh! He said that I should pay rent for march and april. He said the deposit is not really cover the rent because it should be contributed to cleanings, damages and repairing. But those things are landlord responsibility though. So, I don’t know what to do. As I have said, you see? I’m no better than anyone else. I’m a big liar,, selfish and nasty all the way through.
I’m sorry Diary to trouble you with these news, I see? So selfish, only come to you when I can’t talk to anyone. Bad person, aren’t I?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Dear: Diarry.
Nidnoi came to visit me last weekend, we had great time. I took her shopping, we bought lots of things. She hasn’t changed much. We cooked good food for Geoff as well.
I am so tired, diary, so tired, I got such a head ache as well. The landlord gave me until 25th this month to contact him but I don’t have any money at all.
I went to library today and I got such a big head ache.
I didn’t talk much to Geoff since nidnoi has left actually, don’t know why, I’m sick of him I suppose.
I did help P pomme with her dissertation but will it be anyone helping me?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Dear: diary.
I am trying so hard, u know? To revise and read and write but I seem to have many excuses not to complete my important tasks. I don’t really know diary, what’s wrong with me. I mean, I always dislike someone, is that because of myself? Or because of them? Was that I’ve chosen wrong people to be with? But I have no problems with Peera, P Kay, Ohm or P the though.
I can’t stand Geoff Diary I really can’t. I mean what is the fucking point telling me how much he needs to save and he needs to save and how much he has spent so far. Really depressing, you know?
I wish this would be over soon.
You know what had happened, don’t you?
I paid, I cook, I bought some and I try so hard not to cause any trouble for him but it seems that he just… don’t know… just doesn’t understand. He has issues. Or is this because of my hormones?
Oh diary please please please don’t leave me alone like this. Should I confront him? Should I?
Friday, May 02, 2008
Dear: Diary.
Today was some sort, I was so so so tired since I woke up and there has been such a disturbing day for me.
Geoff acted as usual, I phoned the uni thai to order something and to the owner’s kindness asked me whether I want some take away. So, I did, I ordered one.
By the way, Geoff was the one who cancelled the trip to uni thai. He went down to get stuff from the shop and when he back he ate my food without even felt guilty.
Oh, I don’t think that I ever mentioned that Nidnoi got ticket go back home with Quantas Airline 580 pounds for return which is of course very reasonable price. I told this news to tommy when I phoned him but he as usual, didn’t satisfy saying that it’s too expensive, when I said that it’s a direct flight so he covered up his stupidity by saying that even so only 50 or 60 pounds up she can get thai airways and she can collect milages. So, I said that she could collect some miles by flying with this airline so he just shoutd that not even 50 percents. But really Diary?
Firstly, not his money which has been paid for that ticket. Secondly, why on earth that has to pretend that he is the only person who knows everything to do with air ticket. He knows nothing. He didn’t even know wich country that quantas belongs to.
Thirdly, he said that Singapore airline cannot be collect but he was wrong.
I mean, he’s nice and everything but he has such a big head and high ego. He should try to deflate his head and to accept that he is not the only one who knows things. However, he is not as bad as Geoff on the ground of showing off.
A part from those, I’m tired and wanted to sleep for ages and ages.
I am so upset, my mum hasn’t rung me.
So many things occur inside my head, Diary, please do not get bored with listening to me.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Dear: Diary.
I don’t know what’s going on now, Diary. Geoff is starting to be nice to me, saying that he feels guilty letting me stay in Eastborne on my own, I mean, really, why on earth and what on earth making him saying this? I’m sick of him, pathetic and idiotic and selfish and full of himself. Yesterday, he has changed his mind not to go to Eastbourne but today? He wants to go again.
You know, don’t you? that he always changes his mind. Yesterday he said to me in a nastily tone but today? So nice and caringly.
I hate this sort of people.
I am going to tell him that I will not cook again and will buy my own food and not to worry about buying mine.
I had enough, I don’t wanna go with him I hate to walk alongside him.
Please Diary, don’t leave me, be with me, nobody cares for me, mum doesn’t want to ring, nobody cares what I’ve been up to unless they want something from me, a part from you of course.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Hi, Diary.
Nothing much happened during the day. I cooked as usual and he ate gigantic amount as usual. Today was quite hot in fact, no breeze at all so it makes the weather very dull indeed (better than cold, I suppose).
I finally told him I mean Geoff about not to worry buying food for me, it was much easier than I expected because he was the one who mentioned about it. I decided to go to eastbourne with him tomorrow just to shut him up more like.
I talked to Tommy, he hasn’t changed, in fact, I doubt whether he will.
Oh! Mum rang me as well, she’s in a good form so that is great!
I scared, Diary, scared of things, scared of futures. I don’t think that I’ve done well though, I think I do not have ability to do things, I’m not as clever as everyone thinks or expects, I am in fact, just a shell but no yoke.
I’ll be back and tell you more, shall I?
Love
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Hey! Diary.
I went to eastbourne today. It was good (weatherwise anyway). The weather was good, in fact, it’s still good now actually, I think it Thailand ish but more breeze than Thai summer I would think.
Eastbourne was a nice little town, Geoff took me on the train and suggested that we should go by train and da deed a. So, we went by train, the train for return was 5.20 I gave him 10 and he gave me back 9 hoping that I can buy him lunch. I didn’t want to go to thai restaurant to be honest with you, but he just wanted and dragged me along. He wanted to have thai food but blamed on me that I wanted to know about thai restaurants and thai people blab la bla. It was quite disgusting when the people in that restaurant asked me whether Geoff is my boyfriend, Oh! My! God! What an absurd idea. I told them not.
A part from Geoff being so selfish and all that, I like Eastbourne, though I went there once as you know, I went there because of gareth, I think you can remember him, can’t you?
I haven’t thought about him for ages but today, may be because of Eastbourne trip, but he kept popping in and out of my head a bit.
I came back and fried some of those fishcakes a whole package has 10 pieces yeah? So, I ate one, giving his mum 6 and for himself 3. he asked me “do we still have some fishcakes left?” I mean, does it realy need to be asked? Was he accusing me of eating my own fishcakes without telling him? Seriously, who paid? Who cooked? For fuck sake.
Wel, I can see why his ex-wife never loved him, I wouldn’t want to have him be my husband either so….
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Dear: Diary.
It has been many many nights that I sit by this window while await to hear a song that belongs to me, await that he (someone whom unknown yet) sings for me.
My life has been rather dull, you know? I have to put up with Geoff here, weighing between dislikings and guilt. I do not want to feel that I dislike someone who has been helping me but sometime you just can’t. Diary, I don’t know how many times that I’ve been telling myself that “we” as a human beings cannot like everyone in our lives, but really, I seem to have had problems about associating with other humans more than anyone else has. I’m sick of this, I try to forget how nasty, selfish, interfering, taking for granted, he is. I’m trying to forgive him, looking at him from the other side of this coin but I am a human after all.
Oh Diary, I do not know whom to talk to, I feel like nobody will understand me like you do though. My mum never listened to me properly, she just…. Thinks of herself more or else my sister. She doesn’t seem to have considered my life, my experiences in to her accounts. All she wants from me just fames and money. I’m tired of human Diary, I really am. I wish I had somebody to listen to me, likes me on what I am and who I am.
But of course, I have learned, learned that only ourselves can encourage our own self not others. Or could it have been because of I’m a bit stress? No, it can’t have been.
One side of me is very calm and cheerful, the other side is very dark and despair. I wish my dad didn’t have another wife, I wish my mum would have interested in my life, my experiences, my thoughts more. I wish she wouldn’t neglected my feelings like she’s doing it now.
I really wish I had someone, but! May be not! ‘cause I fear I might lose that person since it seems that I can’t stand many people. But it can’t have been all my faults though, can it? Since I still got many friends whom never let me down, who we never argued, who like me because I am. But they are not here, not with me, you see? I’m so sure that if I were in Thailand now, they would be able and willingly to help me at anything.
That is it, that is my most happiness thoughts. But thank you as well though, Diary.
Monday, May 12, 2008
