another sort of human beings

It has been quite a while now since I’ve posted on here.

Partly because of my changing house and also somebody asked me on why should I post about my life, my thoughts on the public access place? Shouldn’t the blog be just something in particular topic? So, I had a think about it.

Then, my conclusion is this:

I don’t have to do what people expect me to do. I should write whatever I feel like to. So, I decided to come back and keep posting as I wish.

 

I have indeed, moved a place to stay. I am now staying with ( I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned about him but I am going to anyway). I am staying with a guy called “geoff”, he used to be my mobility trainer when I was at boarding school  years ago. He’s partially sighted himself though he never liked to admit it since recently.

He’s old (age wise) about 55 and has a ridiculous relationship with a thai girl who is 33, anyway, their relationship is nothing to me or shall I say, nothing that I should get involve.

 

I do understand after all that nobody is perfect but here it is…

 

He’s old, live on various sorts of benefits and that include housing benefit. He used to work as “social worker” sort of like… helping blind and partially sighted people get along with their lives which is… sort of good.

However, he has many habits that I do not like and can’t stand….

 

He talks a lot! And I mean a lot! He always make other people think that he’s kind, nice and clever.

I’m staying with him, of course I do cook for him to be something in exchange but it is a lot of pressure you see?

 

Firstly, he asked for 100 pounds from me to stay with him that is to contribute to bills and food. However, he will make me feel guilty if I didn’t give him some more. He has such a habit of making me feel guilty by stating that how difficult for him of not having money and he has to live his life in a very tight and wise with spending his own money. As to these benefits that he’s get, he will in every month send nearly 200 pounds to his thai girlfriend by saying that he’s more than happy to help her. Has he forgotten something here? Sending her some money, of course it’s nice but what is the flipping point of sending money to other people and starving yourself? I don’t really understand.

Then, he would treat himself (that’s what he call it anyway) by buying books and DVDs which of course none of my business at all, if he likes to read books then go ahead, if he enjoys watching dvds then please do but not telling me all these and adding that you short of money so and so. If he hasn’t got much money then I do understand but please please do not make me feel guilty and ask more from me. I’m very disappointed with him since he’s an old man but acting so childish.

 

Secondly, he loves to see himself better than others, good and being very helpful. I do admit that he’s nice and helpful but it’s not just that you see? He will help you but keep reminding you on how helpful he is to you, how kind he is to do so and so. Yes, he let me stay in but then I paid for it. However, he will keep telling other people that he let me stay in for free because he’s nice person. As to this, if you’re really kind of good person, like to help others, you wouldn’t actually go around and telling other in word on how nice you are, would you? Well, I wouldn’t. Him of course, helped me but asked a lot for return. He assumed that if he goes to Thailand he can go with me for free, he doesn’t need to pay any penny while he’s in Thailand. But it’s not that. Is he missing something here? I am yes, stayed or in fact, staying with him but I paid money for god sake. But what does he want? Go to Thailand and let me pay everything. Ah yes, to live in Thailand is cheaper than in UK but still money and surely by thai standard we wouldn’t call it cheap! If we have to double up everything. I am not prepare to pay domestic flight for him and myself and I am not prepare to buy him every meals but he doesn’t seem to get that.

 He, himself, likes to think that he is cleverer and knows everything. Once, we were talking about Thailand, he said that from Bangkok to Had yai is only 400 something kilometers which I corrected him but he said he’s right. Basically, Had Yai is one of the main city down the south of Thailand where my mum lives and I have to go and see her every time that I go back. It’s about 1 hour and 20 minutes to fly from Bangkok. So, he just to show his many knowledges telling me that “plane flies 500 kilometres per hour” (which of course not true) So, I said it can’t have been because by driving from Bangkok to Khon Kaen (a city to the north east where I used to live) takes 6 hours and a half on a highway and flight takes 45 minutes. But to Had yai it takes 12 hours to drive and 1,20 with flight. So, he didn’t believe me but saying well it’s not that far to drive. So, I just went quiet and thought not to argue, not worth it. I mean, who is he to argue with the origin people? I for heaven sake, was born in Thailand, grew up in Thailand, go back to Thailand once a year, been living both city and within Bangkok itself and who is he? English, stupid old git.

Another time that he tried to show of on how much he know everything. He’s been telling what to do with my desertation which ah… I am doing law degree but he finished his sociology degree since I wasn’t born. Or once, he wanted some songs from my laptop so I coppied them on to my memory stick, just to make files smaller I asked him whether on his machine has winzip or winrar so I could zip those files then I can give him more. He told me cleverly that he has window! And that can make music play on his laptop… ah well… very clever ha!

See? He doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t know things, he likes to show that he knows everything, thai cultures, Indian cultures, Japanese culture, Buddhism, Christianity and many more.

Surely, no one knows that much, it must be something that as a human beings who do not have huge brain and do not have long life to experience every single things…. Must have been something that we do not know of.

 

Thirdly, he loves criticizing others. This fact is so annoying.

Yes, he always says that he feels as if he doesn’t belong to England, he likes Thailand by adding many complimentaries like Thailand is so beautiful, nice, thai people are kind, they have warm smile so and so. Though to those points, he never stopped criticized my cultures or even other people cultures.

He said that thai music (modern one) are not good, they do not know how to play guitar, drums, do not know how to sing etc. but really, who is he to judge other people? He said of course, that he can play better than them. Well, I do admit that not every thai bands are good but some of them are brilliant as the same as English bands, some of them are just rubbish and some of them are really good. So, who is he to analyse, criticize and give such a judgmental to other people’s way of lives?

Look at himself, I mean.

 

Well, but who am I here to criticize him anyway. I am so sorry but if he hasn’t tried to interfere my life, hasn’t tried to patronizing me, hasn’t tried to tell me what to do, hasn’t tried to tell me on what my mum needs or needn’t, hasn’t tried to show that knows my mum better than myself (he never met her and no! not even ever talked to her), hasn’t tried to make me feel guilty… I wouldn’t be sitting here and writing about what do I feel towards him.

Frankly, I feel sorry for him, he has no friends, no real love and lack of mature attitudes. Nevertheless, he’s too old to be lifted up.

But I’ll do my best just to listen and listen.

 

There are actually a lot more about him but I shall say no more…

 

never smooth

it has been widely known that!

life is not easy to live and that sort of true in a way or in fact, in many ways.

 

I have indeed moved house and now staying a person whom I shall write some more about because it’s not easy, not easy at all to live with this person.

My mum is settling in new house, new house that I don’t approve, new house that for some reason I have to take responsible for.

My sister still…. something, hasn’t done her desertation and hasn’t sorted out her life properly which I rather worried.

I am now have a lot of work to do and I will do it my best.

One of my best friends back in thailand now having a difficulty time, I wish i were there to help him or at least listen to him.

Most of all, life is not easy but i shall held my head up high and take a deep breathe! teling myself that one day I will meet someone who cares for me no matter what and who i am.

Money, is it all we desperate for?

Just that when I have some money, people just marching to me and begging for some.

 

Really, Sagal I do not understand her at all, how could you keep taking advantages of me? Have I ever done anything bad to you?

“No”, as far as I can remember but the more I help you the more you do not pay me any respect.

 

You borrowed my money loads since we moved into this house. Started by owed me for gas, electricity and internet. You keep promising that you will give it back to me so and so.

Once we went out shopping, you wanted to have a very nice and expensive jacket, you did lie to me that in your whatever “card” only have 20 pounds and the rest of your money was in Swedish card then I bought it and you did promise to give it back.

I was foolish enough of course, I did believe that you wouldn’t dare to just walk away because I didn’t know you and you surely, didn’t know me that well.

Then, you was going to go to New York, Loads of telling lies might have had just happened by then.

You came to me, showed me how desperate you were that you needed to go to America for Christmas, you said that it has been a mistake overhere. You said that Vodafone is going to charge you because you owed them certain amount of money. So, I asked you how much do you owe then you made up some numbers so I asked you how much do you want. So, you said 400 pounds then I lent you.

Just before you left, you came up to me again and said that your friends who have gone to America couldn’t get hold of the house owner who you would be staying in their houses, it is like a swap house, that what you told me. You said that you desperate for money because it was out of your budget, your friends already booked into the hotel and you have to be with them. Then, you asked if you could borrow another 200, but I could only give you 100.

Look at how selfish you are, you want cash but you don’t want to walk down to the proper cash machine, all you want just to take money out at the cash machine in the nearby shop but my card will be charged and you did again “promise” me that you will give the charges back to me.

 

You went and had fun in America, came back with such a lie again, telling that you lost all of the presents that you bought on the train but you didn’t seem to be frustrated about it.

You, again, keep bying things going to pubs, clubs and drinks ever so often.

Then, you gave money back to me, only 500 pounds and you forgot every other pennies that you did promised, you forgot all of utility bills, you forgot your jacket price and you forgot all the charges that you used my card to take out at this cash machine.

Then, by the time that I had no money, I asked you if I could borrow. Oh, yes, you did lend me actually, 500 pounds.

However, you keep exploiting me, you never paid for utility bills, you borrowed money and said that I can take it out from 500 pounds.

All together for the second lot was 50 pounds but you said you only owed me 30 pounds.

Then, by the time I’ve got money to pay you back, you wanted me to give it back to your Swedish account which of course it will be charges. You didn’t care of course. Worst than that, you required money back 500 pounds and you will give 30 pounds as you said that you owed me, back when you’re ready for it.

 

Is this how to treat me, sagal?

Just that you do not have money, just that you spent money without thinking, will it be my responsibility to keep giving you money? Is that so?

Who do you think I am?

I am just a poor person, who came here to study and relie on my allowance that my government support me to survive in UK not to be a philanthropist.

However, I did put money into your Swedish account only 470 pounds and let all charges be taken from your end, not mine.

 

Oh no! not yet, the money story hasn’t come to an end, not yet.

 

My mum, my beloved mum.

She recently just bought a house in the South of Thailand where I don’t feel that I belong to but she does. I kept asking her, beging her to buy a house in Bangkok or somewhere nearby so I do not have to travel long way when I go back to Thailand.

No, she never listened to me, she never loved me, in fact. She only enjoys my company because she can say to everyone that I am blind but so clever and most of all, I have money.

I’m not only studying in UK, I work part time, I work hard and study hard. So when my holidays arrive I will be able to spend my savings for traveling.

So mum thinks that I have lots of money, oh yeah, certainly if converts the pound stirling into the baht, it seems that I earned quite a lot. But no, not really, the living standard is so high in the UK, though she keep asking money from me.

I won’t object to give some to her since she is my mother, who gave me my life, who brought me up in a nicely way. However, I cannot give her as much as she wants.

Then, I feel guilty, then I have to give her the amount that she requires and ended up with starving myself and have no money left. She bought house, I never approved, she has her reasons but I don’t agree.

She asked if I could help her so I have to.

I don’t like this situation, the situation which my sister doesn’t help but she gets everything, the situation where nobody hugs me and stop taking money from me.

I am, at the end of the day, not the best person, not a nun and surely not alterist. I always think that we help people and feel good about helping just when we ready and wish to help. I don’t like being psychologically forced to help.

I am just a human beings, need to have my own house, my own business, have dreams to fulfill but everyone stops mine.

This is why I don’t like money, I can’t live without it but don’t like it at all. It causes me stress, it gives me pains.

 

But then, I have to be strong, I have my goals to reach, I have to keep my head high and keep walking straight to reach them.

I’m telling myself that if I’m getting tired now, then I just have to sit down and have a rest.

 

Every problem has its own solutions, I do believe that, though I do not know how long does the solution will come but when it does, it’s there.

Let it be!

When I find myself in time of troubles, mother mary comes to me… speaking words of wisdom “let it be”

Not that I’m a christian of course but this song is such a buddhist’s thoughts… There will be an answer… let it be.

Thai time is my birthday now, I had a phone call from my beloved sister, the only sister that I have and who always love me, the sister that always give me some problems and yet always be there for me.

When the night is cloudy there is still lights shine on me!

The more peopl taking advantages of me (not that I have a lot for them to take!) the more I get stronger.

I have learnt through various situations that I have to be strong, I have to let it be, let it go… sometime, something at some point, we can’t change it.

There always be times that we find problems out of our control, many psychologists, psychiatrists and all that always suggest that “we” need to find the root of problem and try to solve from the root. Is that true? Is that so easy? No! not at all, there will be time that we find problems that cannot be changed and yet canot be solve. So, the  simplest way is “let things be”, “let things go” if things out of own control then “let it gone”

I always expect that life will be so even as well as our own paths. The more even path is, the stronger we get from walking on that path.

fear and solutions

It hasn’t been easy for me at all to face so many problems all at once.

After all problems and problems, I still fear, fear of losing, fear of failure. I realise that these kind of feelings would happen to us all once in a while. Sometime I told myself to be brave, to stay calm and to forgive but then it seem that I as a human being have limitations. I find that the more I face problems the quicker i do fear.

I’m so scared that I will fail to do what I am doing, I fear of may be … truths.

I’ve been telling myself that I want to do good things for people but after all… is that really me?

I hope that 2 of my housemates will stop exploiting me,

in fact, I do hope that everyone wil stop exploiting me.

yes, precisely I have learnt that nobody is perfect and that including me.