Dear: diary.

How r u these days? I haven’t been talking to you for ages… I’ve been avoiding you thinking that I could manage without you. But really, I have no one but you to talk to and listen to me.

No one knows what’s it like to be me, no I guess no one would. No one knows what’s it likes to be the bad girl, to be sad person, to be mistreated. I’m not even sure whether you, my diary will understand all of those feelings but at least you listen to me and never judged me on what I am and what I’ve done.

I’m bored with Geoff really, and seriously, I don’t know you see? Why I always get this feelings, not that many people that I will have this feelings towards. I feel he interferes my life, demanding and not really kind person as he always claims. I mean, what is the point of sending money to someone and starving yourself, honestly.

As to that, I know that I shouldn’t interfere. Like this morning, he asked money for another 100 for april which I am going to give it to him more just to shut him up I suppose. Do you know what he said to me? He said I’m happy for you to be here even though I’ve paid more. That’s sort of… show off. You know? If you’re really kind why would you claim yourself to be kind and generous in front of others. He just doing good things so people will apraise him which is not really what good people meant to be.

Oh, I did ring Ryan last night just to see how he was etc etc. He went all weird to me which I don’t really like… That is another thing though, when I feel weird, I will wait, I would have just avoided to talk so I will not have to upset friends or myself. Then, he texted me to say sorry but I don’t know really Diary, don’t know what I feel after he acted like that. He seems to think that he is the only person who’s been in such a big problems, basically, him and I are looking at things differently, as to that, I know it is not his fault but no point of arguing about how the world should be run, is there? between friends I mean.

The Landlord rang me this morning as well asking about rent. Yes, Diary I do lie to him to him that I went to France and I have to go back. This is all Sagal nastiness, she must have told him. As if I cared huh! He said that I should pay rent for march and april. He said the deposit is not really cover the rent because it should be contributed to cleanings, damages and repairing. But those things are landlord responsibility though. So, I don’t know what to do. As I have said, you see? I’m no better than anyone else. I’m a big liar,, selfish and nasty all the way through.

I’m sorry Diary to trouble you with these news, I see? So selfish, only come to you when I can’t talk to anyone. Bad person, aren’t I?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dear: Diarry.

Nidnoi came to visit me last weekend, we had great time. I took her shopping, we bought lots of things. She hasn’t changed much. We cooked  good food for Geoff as well.

I am so tired, diary, so tired, I got such a head ache as well. The landlord gave me until 25^th this month to contact him but I don’t have any money at all.

I went to library today and I got such a big head ache.

I didn’t talk much to Geoff since nidnoi has left actually, don’t know why, I’m sick of him I suppose.

I did help P pomme with her dissertation but will it be anyone helping me?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dear: diary.

I am trying so hard, u know? To revise and read and write but I seem to have many excuses not to complete my important tasks. I don’t really know diary, what’s wrong with me. I mean, I always dislike someone, is that because of myself? Or because of them? Was that I’ve chosen wrong people to be with? But I have no problems with Peera, P Kay, Ohm or P the though.

I can’t stand Geoff Diary I really can’t. I mean what is the fucking point telling me how much he needs to save and he needs to save and how much he has spent so far. Really depressing, you know?

I wish this would be over soon.

You know what had happened, don’t you?

I paid, I cook, I bought some and I try so hard not to cause any trouble for him but it seems that he just… don’t know… just doesn’t understand. He has issues. Or is this because of my hormones?

Oh diary please please please don’t leave me alone like this. Should I confront him? Should I?

Friday, May 02, 2008

Dear: Diary.

Today was some sort, I was so so so tired since I woke up and there has been such a disturbing day for me.

Geoff acted as usual, I phoned the uni thai to order something and to the owner’s kindness asked me whether I want some take away. So, I did, I ordered one.

By the way, Geoff was the one who cancelled the trip to uni thai. He went down to get stuff from the shop and when he back he ate my food without even felt guilty.

Oh, I don’t think that I ever mentioned that Nidnoi got ticket go back home with Quantas Airline 580 pounds for return which is of course very reasonable price. I told this news to tommy when I phoned him but he as usual, didn’t satisfy saying that it’s too expensive, when I said that it’s a direct flight so he covered up his stupidity by saying that even so only 50 or 60 pounds up she can get thai airways and she can collect milages. So, I said that she could collect some miles by flying with this airline so he just shoutd that not even 50 percents. But really Diary?

Firstly, not his money which has been paid for that ticket. Secondly, why on earth that has to pretend that he is the only person who knows everything to do with air ticket. He knows nothing. He didn’t even know wich country that quantas belongs to.

Thirdly, he said that Singapore airline cannot be collect but he was wrong.

I mean, he’s nice and everything but he has such a big head and high ego. He should try to deflate his head and to accept that he is not the only one who knows things. However, he is not as bad as Geoff on the ground of showing off.

A part from those, I’m tired and wanted to sleep for ages and ages.

I am so upset, my mum hasn’t rung me.

So many things occur inside my head, Diary, please do not get bored with listening to me.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Dear: Diary.

I don’t know what’s going on now, Diary. Geoff is starting to be nice to me, saying that he feels guilty letting me stay in Eastborne on my own, I mean, really, why on earth and what on earth making him saying this? I’m sick of him, pathetic and idiotic and selfish and full of himself. Yesterday, he has changed his mind not to go to Eastbourne but today? He wants to go again.

You know, don’t you? that he always changes his mind. Yesterday he said to me in a nastily tone but today? So nice and caringly.

I hate this sort of people.

I am going to tell him that I will not cook again and will buy my own food and not to worry about buying mine.

I had enough, I don’t wanna go with him I hate to walk alongside him.

Please Diary, don’t leave me, be with me, nobody cares for me, mum doesn’t want to ring, nobody cares what I’ve been up to unless they want something from me, a part from you of course.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Hi, Diary.

Nothing much happened during the day. I cooked as usual and he ate gigantic amount as usual. Today was quite hot in fact, no breeze at all so it makes the weather very dull indeed (better than cold, I suppose).

I finally told him I mean Geoff about not to worry buying food for me, it was much easier than I expected because he was the one who mentioned about it. I decided to go to eastbourne with him tomorrow just to shut him up more like.

I talked to Tommy, he hasn’t changed, in fact, I doubt whether he will.

Oh! Mum rang me as well, she’s in a good form so that is great!

I scared, Diary, scared of things, scared of futures. I don’t think that I’ve done well though, I think I do not have ability to do things, I’m not as clever as everyone thinks or expects, I am in fact, just a shell but no yoke.

I’ll be back and tell you more, shall I?

Love

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Hey! Diary.

I went to eastbourne today. It was good (weatherwise anyway). The weather was good, in fact, it’s still good now actually, I think it Thailand ish but more breeze than Thai summer I would think.

Eastbourne was a nice little town, Geoff took me on the train and suggested that we should go by train and da deed a. So, we went by train, the train for return was 5.20 I gave him 10 and he gave me back 9 hoping that I can buy him lunch. I didn’t want to go to thai restaurant to be honest with you, but he just wanted and dragged me along. He wanted to have thai food but blamed on me that I wanted to know about thai restaurants and thai people blab la bla. It was quite  disgusting when the people in that restaurant asked me whether Geoff is my boyfriend, Oh! My! God! What an absurd idea. I told them not.

A part from Geoff being so selfish and all that, I like Eastbourne, though I went there once as you know, I went there because of gareth, I think you can remember him, can’t you?

I haven’t thought about him for ages but today, may be because of Eastbourne trip, but he kept popping in and out of my head a bit.

I came back and fried some of those fishcakes a whole package has 10 pieces yeah? So, I ate one, giving his mum 6 and for himself 3. he asked me “do we still have some fishcakes left?” I mean, does it realy need to be asked? Was he accusing me of eating my own fishcakes without telling him? Seriously, who paid? Who cooked? For fuck sake.

Wel, I can see why his ex-wife never loved him, I wouldn’t want to have him be my husband either so….

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Dear: Diary.

It has been many many nights that I sit by this window while await to hear a song that belongs to me, await that he (someone whom unknown yet) sings for me.

My life has been rather dull, you know? I have to put up with Geoff here, weighing between dislikings and guilt. I do not want to feel that I dislike someone who has been helping me but sometime you just can’t. Diary, I don’t know how many times that I’ve been telling myself that “we” as a human beings cannot like everyone in our lives, but really, I seem to have had problems about associating with other humans more than anyone else has. I’m sick of this, I try to forget how nasty, selfish, interfering, taking for granted, he is. I’m trying to forgive him, looking at him from the other side of this coin but I am a human after all.

Oh Diary, I do not know whom to talk to, I feel like nobody will understand me like you do though. My mum never listened to me properly, she just…. Thinks of herself more or else my sister. She doesn’t seem to have considered my life, my experiences in to her accounts. All she wants from me just fames and money. I’m tired of human Diary, I really am. I wish I had somebody to listen to me, likes me on what I am and who I am.

But of course, I have learned, learned that only ourselves can encourage our own self not others. Or could it have been because of I’m a bit stress? No, it can’t have been.

One side of me is very calm and cheerful, the other side is very dark and despair. I wish my dad didn’t have another wife, I wish my mum would have interested in my life, my experiences, my thoughts more. I wish she wouldn’t neglected my feelings like she’s doing it now.

I really wish I had someone, but! May be not! ‘cause I fear I might lose that person since it seems that I can’t stand many people. But it can’t have been all my faults though, can it? Since I still got many friends whom never let me down, who we never argued, who like me because I am. But they are not here, not with me, you see? I’m so sure that if I were in Thailand now, they would be able and willingly to help me at anything.

That is it, that is my most happiness thoughts. But thank you as well though, Diary.

Monday, May 12, 2008

It has been quite a while now since I’ve posted on here.

Partly because of my changing house and also somebody asked me on why should I post about my life, my thoughts on the public access place? Shouldn’t the blog be just something in particular topic? So, I had a think about it.

Then, my conclusion is this:

I don’t have to do what people expect me to do. I should write whatever I feel like to. So, I decided to come back and keep posting as I wish.

I have indeed, moved a place to stay. I am now staying with ( I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned about him but I am going to anyway). I am staying with a guy called “geoff”, he used to be my mobility trainer when I was at boarding school  years ago. He’s partially sighted himself though he never liked to admit it since recently.

He’s old (age wise) about 55 and has a ridiculous relationship with a thai girl who is 33, anyway, their relationship is nothing to me or shall I say, nothing that I should get involve.

I do understand after all that nobody is perfect but here it is…

He’s old, live on various sorts of benefits and that include housing benefit. He used to work as “social worker” sort of like… helping blind and partially sighted people get along with their lives which is… sort of good.

However, he has many habits that I do not like and can’t stand….

He talks a lot! And I mean a lot! He always make other people think that he’s kind, nice and clever.

I’m staying with him, of course I do cook for him to be something in exchange but it is a lot of pressure you see?

Firstly, he asked for 100 pounds from me to stay with him that is to contribute to bills and food. However, he will make me feel guilty if I didn’t give him some more. He has such a habit of making me feel guilty by stating that how difficult for him of not having money and he has to live his life in a very tight and wise with spending his own money. As to these benefits that he’s get, he will in every month send nearly 200 pounds to his thai girlfriend by saying that he’s more than happy to help her. Has he forgotten something here? Sending her some money, of course it’s nice but what is the flipping point of sending money to other people and starving yourself? I don’t really understand.

Then, he would treat himself (that’s what he call it anyway) by buying books and DVDs which of course none of my business at all, if he likes to read books then go ahead, if he enjoys watching dvds then please do but not telling me all these and adding that you short of money so and so. If he hasn’t got much money then I do understand but please please do not make me feel guilty and ask more from me. I’m very disappointed with him since he’s an old man but acting so childish.

Secondly, he loves to see himself better than others, good and being very helpful. I do admit that he’s nice and helpful but it’s not just that you see? He will help you but keep reminding you on how helpful he is to you, how kind he is to do so and so. Yes, he let me stay in but then I paid for it. However, he will keep telling other people that he let me stay in for free because he’s nice person. As to this, if you’re really kind of good person, like to help others, you wouldn’t actually go around and telling other in word on how nice you are, would you? Well, I wouldn’t. Him of course, helped me but asked a lot for return. He assumed that if he goes to Thailand he can go with me for free, he doesn’t need to pay any penny while he’s in Thailand. But it’s not that. Is he missing something here? I am yes, stayed or in fact, staying with him but I paid money for god sake. But what does he want? Go to Thailand and let me pay everything. Ah yes, to live in Thailand is cheaper than in UK but still money and surely by thai standard we wouldn’t call it cheap! If we have to double up everything. I am not prepare to pay domestic flight for him and myself and I am not prepare to buy him every meals but he doesn’t seem to get that.

 He, himself, likes to think that he is cleverer and knows everything. Once, we were talking about Thailand, he said that from Bangkok to Had yai is only 400 something kilometers which I corrected him but he said he’s right. Basically, Had Yai is one of the main city down the south of Thailand where my mum lives and I have to go and see her every time that I go back. It’s about 1 hour and 20 minutes to fly from Bangkok. So, he just to show his many knowledges telling me that “plane flies 500 kilometres per hour” (which of course not true) So, I said it can’t have been because by driving from Bangkok to Khon Kaen (a city to the north east where I used to live) takes 6 hours and a half on a highway and flight takes 45 minutes. But to Had yai it takes 12 hours to drive and 1,20 with flight. So, he didn’t believe me but saying well it’s not that far to drive. So, I just went quiet and thought not to argue, not worth it. I mean, who is he to argue with the origin people? I for heaven sake, was born in Thailand, grew up in Thailand, go back to Thailand once a year, been living both city and within Bangkok itself and who is he? English, stupid old git.

Another time that he tried to show of on how much he know everything. He’s been telling what to do with my desertation which ah… I am doing law degree but he finished his sociology degree since I wasn’t born. Or once, he wanted some songs from my laptop so I coppied them on to my memory stick, just to make files smaller I asked him whether on his machine has winzip or winrar so I could zip those files then I can give him more. He told me cleverly that he has window! And that can make music play on his laptop… ah well… very clever ha!

See? He doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t know things, he likes to show that he knows everything, thai cultures, Indian cultures, Japanese culture, Buddhism, Christianity and many more.

Surely, no one knows that much, it must be something that as a human beings who do not have huge brain and do not have long life to experience every single things…. Must have been something that we do not know of.

Thirdly, he loves criticizing others. This fact is so annoying.

Yes, he always says that he feels as if he doesn’t belong to England, he likes Thailand by adding many complimentaries like Thailand is so beautiful, nice, thai people are kind, they have warm smile so and so. Though to those points, he never stopped criticized my cultures or even other people cultures.

He said that thai music (modern one) are not good, they do not know how to play guitar, drums, do not know how to sing etc. but really, who is he to judge other people? He said of course, that he can play better than them. Well, I do admit that not every thai bands are good but some of them are brilliant as the same as English bands, some of them are just rubbish and some of them are really good. So, who is he to analyse, criticize and give such a judgmental to other people’s way of lives?

Look at himself, I mean.

Well, but who am I here to criticize him anyway. I am so sorry but if he hasn’t tried to interfere my life, hasn’t tried to patronizing me, hasn’t tried to tell me what to do, hasn’t tried to tell me on what my mum needs or needn’t, hasn’t tried to show that knows my mum better than myself (he never met her and no! not even ever talked to her), hasn’t tried to make me feel guilty… I wouldn’t be sitting here and writing about what do I feel towards him.

Frankly, I feel sorry for him, he has no friends, no real love and lack of mature attitudes. Nevertheless, he’s too old to be lifted up.

But I’ll do my best just to listen and listen.

There are actually a lot more about him but I shall say no more…

Just that when I have some money, people just marching to me and begging for some.

Really, Sagal I do not understand her at all, how could you keep taking advantages of me? Have I ever done anything bad to you?

“No”, as far as I can remember but the more I help you the more you do not pay me any respect.

You borrowed my money loads since we moved into this house. Started by owed me for gas, electricity and internet. You keep promising that you will give it back to me so and so.

Once we went out shopping, you wanted to have a very nice and expensive jacket, you did lie to me that in your whatever “card” only have 20 pounds and the rest of your money was in Swedish card then I bought it and you did promise to give it back.

I was foolish enough of course, I did believe that you wouldn’t dare to just walk away because I didn’t know you and you surely, didn’t know me that well.

Then, you was going to go to New York, Loads of telling lies might have had just happened by then.

You came to me, showed me how desperate you were that you needed to go to America for Christmas, you said that it has been a mistake overhere. You said that Vodafone is going to charge you because you owed them certain amount of money. So, I asked you how much do you owe then you made up some numbers so I asked you how much do you want. So, you said 400 pounds then I lent you.

Just before you left, you came up to me again and said that your friends who have gone to America couldn’t get hold of the house owner who you would be staying in their houses, it is like a swap house, that what you told me. You said that you desperate for money because it was out of your budget, your friends already booked into the hotel and you have to be with them. Then, you asked if you could borrow another 200, but I could only give you 100.

Look at how selfish you are, you want cash but you don’t want to walk down to the proper cash machine, all you want just to take money out at the cash machine in the nearby shop but my card will be charged and you did again “promise” me that you will give the charges back to me.

You went and had fun in America, came back with such a lie again, telling that you lost all of the presents that you bought on the train but you didn’t seem to be frustrated about it.

You, again, keep bying things going to pubs, clubs and drinks ever so often.

Then, you gave money back to me, only 500 pounds and you forgot every other pennies that you did promised, you forgot all of utility bills, you forgot your jacket price and you forgot all the charges that you used my card to take out at this cash machine.

Then, by the time that I had no money, I asked you if I could borrow. Oh, yes, you did lend me actually, 500 pounds.

However, you keep exploiting me, you never paid for utility bills, you borrowed money and said that I can take it out from 500 pounds.

All together for the second lot was 50 pounds but you said you only owed me 30 pounds.

Then, by the time I’ve got money to pay you back, you wanted me to give it back to your Swedish account which of course it will be charges. You didn’t care of course. Worst than that, you required money back 500 pounds and you will give 30 pounds as you said that you owed me, back when you’re ready for it.

Is this how to treat me, sagal?

Just that you do not have money, just that you spent money without thinking, will it be my responsibility to keep giving you money? Is that so?

Who do you think I am?

I am just a poor person, who came here to study and relie on my allowance that my government support me to survive in UK not to be a philanthropist.

However, I did put money into your Swedish account only 470 pounds and let all charges be taken from your end, not mine.

Oh no! not yet, the money story hasn’t come to an end, not yet.

My mum, my beloved mum.

She recently just bought a house in the South of Thailand where I don’t feel that I belong to but she does. I kept asking her, beging her to buy a house in Bangkok or somewhere nearby so I do not have to travel long way when I go back to Thailand.

No, she never listened to me, she never loved me, in fact. She only enjoys my company because she can say to everyone that I am blind but so clever and most of all, I have money.

I’m not only studying in UK, I work part time, I work hard and study hard. So when my holidays arrive I will be able to spend my savings for traveling.

So mum thinks that I have lots of money, oh yeah, certainly if converts the pound stirling into the baht, it seems that I earned quite a lot. But no, not really, the living standard is so high in the UK, though she keep asking money from me.

I won’t object to give some to her since she is my mother, who gave me my life, who brought me up in a nicely way. However, I cannot give her as much as she wants.

Then, I feel guilty, then I have to give her the amount that she requires and ended up with starving myself and have no money left. She bought house, I never approved, she has her reasons but I don’t agree.

She asked if I could help her so I have to.

I don’t like this situation, the situation which my sister doesn’t help but she gets everything, the situation where nobody hugs me and stop taking money from me.

I am, at the end of the day, not the best person, not a nun and surely not alterist. I always think that we help people and feel good about helping just when we ready and wish to help. I don’t like being psychologically forced to help.

I am just a human beings, need to have my own house, my own business, have dreams to fulfill but everyone stops mine.

This is why I don’t like money, I can’t live without it but don’t like it at all. It causes me stress, it gives me pains.

But then, I have to be strong, I have my goals to reach, I have to keep my head high and keep walking straight to reach them.

I’m telling myself that if I’m getting tired now, then I just have to sit down and have a rest.

Every problem has its own solutions, I do believe that, though I do not know how long does the solution will come but when it does, it’s there.

Somebody might wonder why I always post just “sad”, “depress” or else not very creative.Well, my answer is this, I will write when I feel not so good or in other word, when I feel sad or that sort of emotions.I think our inspiration to write is varied depend on each individual.This morning, Sagal (my housemate) she asked me to borrow 200 pounds from me again! Seriously though people, she hadher loan came in during January and that suppose to be half year allowance, but there we go! she has already finished those nearly six thousand pounds, in that! Les than 4 months. She said that she will pay me back the end of May…I for the first time that I had enough of her so I did say “no”. I’ve learnt from her a lot, learnt that people can lie just to get what they want. She taught me on how to  recognize such a big liar like herself! She has such a talent that when she needs something from me, she will come up to my room and start chat me away, makes me confused on what purposes that she want from me, she will maek up or will have lots of reasons to say that she’s in desperate of money and ended up promising that she will give me back, when with certain amount of money.You know what? I never get what she promised except when borrowed a big chunk out of me (which is of course she had to pay me back) but if like 5, 10 up to 50 pounds , she can easily forget. Ah well, what can I say, really, if not goodbye!One reason that forced me to flee myself away from this house is her. I cannot stand to be her Cash Machine anymore.Though she has done many things to me, shouted at me when she was drunk just that Ziba wasn’t at home for her to shout at, borrowed my money, taken my food without telling and other things, I do not angry with her and yet do not hate her either. But I had enough, Iforgive her but I won’t forget.She will be one of my life lesson that I will have to re-read it again.

Britian is so well-known of weather, raining, sunshine, windy all at once or to be more precise! keep changing from one minute to next minute.

This weekend is Easter weekend and surprisingly! (or not) we have snow around UK> However, it is so mental, the weather is, snow then stops then snow then stop…. ah wel…. what can we say more to that except it is so typical british weather.

It always an idea of snowing during christmad but not anymore! it is Easter when we have snow all over UK>

ah well, who to blame if not “us” we are the people who have made the weatehr changes. We use a lot of spray, air conditioners, plastic and so on.

Anyway, it is after all “easter holiday” time for Easter eggs, scones and cup of tea…nice nice!

I’m so relax and in peace since it has been many days that two of my housemates gone home!!!

The wednesday just gone, people from the office of Educational affair of the royal thai student came to visit. I thought or I did expect something nasty or bad might have had happen to me but wasn’t really… wasn’t that bad at all.

I’ve learnt that they quite enjoy nice and charming girl so i had to pretend to be one. Ah well, pretending is not my favourite thing to do but I do think that we all done that or at least realise that we have to do that.

They took us (thai students) to thai restaurant, wasn’t that brilliant thai food either but it’s ok…

The weather here keep changing all the time, one minute rain and next minute sunny and windy all along, typical british weather really.

I don’t know how to express that I am happy that nobody’s at the house and just me! great feelings (once in a while) though I am still being pressurised by other people but at least this moment of my life giving is giving me more energies like charging up myself I suppose.

One of my close friend in thailand she’s having a problem… all to do with one guy who’s already got a girlfriend but still erm… well not actually all his faults but anyway, I’m here to support her, help her when I can or when she wants. I’m not denying that what she’s doing is rahter morally wrong, but then again moral or not up to the society to decide and we have live our lives through society expectations all the time.

Anyway, I should end this otherwise I’l have to write about moral, social expectation for at least 3 pages hahahahaha!!

After my birthday thoughts etc. I went to bed and tried to have some good sleep and yes I had, except:

One O’clock on the morning, Sagal (the housemate that always relies on me) she had her friends round and made such noise, so I texted them and asked if they could reduce their level of noise down a bit and so they did and left to nightclub.

five O’clock on the morning, she knocked on my door and said that Ziba (the housemate that always have boyfriend around) locked the small bedroom (the bedroom that I used to stayed before I’ve moved into the bigger one since Liz has left, so the small bedroom has turned to be a guests’ room). Sagal knocked on my door and said that Ziba has locked the room and asked if I do have a key for it. So I said no I don’t. Then, she said that it must be a key that you guys who live upstair can use to access every room so I said no. I told her that I do not have any key since Liz did not leave herkey behind and I didn’t touched the smallest bedroom’s key since I’ve left the room.

ainly though, they both (ziba and sagal) were the people who use that room I never touched it since I left except when I need to clean the upstair so I need to plug the hoover.

 told  Sagal that it is always a key at the keyhole but she did not believe me. Then, she left to ring Ziba I suppose but I don’t know what she did then after that 20 mins she came and knock on my door again. She said in an aggressive way, “where exactly that u seen the key?” so I said it’s always there, then she said “where” then I had to get out of my bed to point where I saw the key but I didn’t know or don’t know where it is now. Then, she said I never sen a key in my whole life, I never sen that door has a key. So, i said it was a key attached to that door. Then, she said no. so, I said i don’t know where but come to think about it. If there was not key, how could the door been locked? So, she said I don’t know I don’t care why the fuck that this door is locked but I never seen a key on that door in my life. So, the story has changed , it turned to be that I lied to her about the key. I got so angry that hardly happened to me. i told her if she’s gonna sand here and shout at me then go ahead but I have sen the key and I do not know where the key is now and if she’s drunk and upset that her friends have nowhere to sleep then do not need to have a go at me like that, just that she couldn’t shout at ziba doesn’t mean that I was Ziba substitute for her to shout at, then I went back into my room and got so angry.

hen, before I left the house to go to library, she came to me and said sorry to me as well as on msn, she said “oh, i’m soooooo sorry I know that u r a lovely person I shouldn’t have done that” i sadi it’s ok.

but if you ask me whether I really forgive her, yes i do in the matter of fact, but I wish not to have anything to do with ehr anymore. I have seen so many times that she’s lost control and started to shout and being so idiotic to other people, never listened to other people just acting as if other person was a criminal or some sort. I do forgive her but not wanna be her friend after all.

wish good luck for her but no need for further relationship.

Another winter’s day has come and gone away…

Shockingly! this week since the beginning I’ve been asking to lend money whole week.

Starting by a thai person who’s been in Uk for ages, he desperate for money to pay of his credit card and all that, he wants 500 pounds, he asked me if I could borrow my mum for him.

Second one is my housemate who is always borrow mine anyway.

Third, a british guy who is as old as my uncle, doesn’t work, relies on benefit though did let me stay when I couldn’t find a house. I am suppose to move into his place the end of this month and agreed to pay him 100 pounds a month for bills etc. He asked me if he could have 100 pounds now because it is the time to pay for bills. Is that right though? I am not even move in, why should I pay?

After all these, I feel so tired, feel like I’ve been taken for granted, been wondering myself on what I’ve ever done to them? why are they so nasty to me? I’ve told them do not know how many times that i do not have money, I’m so broke myself anyway.

Then, the landlord emailed me accusing me of something… like I will not pay any money or something. My housemate the one who always take money from me, she rang the lnadlord and said that I have already asked someone to move in the end of this month. then, the landlord got angry with me saying that I should have let him know. but I haven’t actually decided yet whether to sublet to anyone that’s why I haven’t told him. However, was that her place to go and tel the landlord like that though?

I wish I could cry, cry to let all of these out, the problem is… I can’t. I’ve been represing my emotions for so long, I wanted to cry but I do not wish to, if someone understand what I mean.

Whenever I have problmes I will listen to music which is kind of help and one song that I have to listen when I’m sad or feeling so down is “can’t take that away” by Mariah Carry, and “let it be” and “home”

I want to go home, let my mum cook for me, hugs me and do not have to worry about anything else, don’t have to care whether this world will end, just be there, at home, with my mum and my sister.

Let me go home… I’m done… I don’t know how long that I will be able to tollerate, i can’t take anything anymore, i need peace, have a rest.

I’ve learnt, learnt that I have to be strong, one day I shall get my strength back at some point even though I’m so lonely.

It hasn’t been easy for me at all to face so many problems all at once.

After all problems and problems, I still fear, fear of losing, fear of failure. I realise that these kind of feelings would happen to us all once in a while. Sometime I told myself to be brave, to stay calm and to forgive but then it seem that I as a human being have limitations. I find that the more I face problems the quicker i do fear.

I’m so scared that I will fail to do what I am doing, I fear of may be … truths.

I’ve been telling myself that I want to do good things for people but after all… is that really me?

I hope that 2 of my housemates will stop exploiting me,

in fact, I do hope that everyone wil stop exploiting me.

yes, precisely I have learnt that nobody is perfect and that including me.

It’s March already! time goes so quick I feel lke i haven’t done anything productive at all.

I have finally finished Harry Potter which wasn’t bad after all. many people might have read it to get pleasure out of it which is of course, the theme of that book. However, I’ve found more than just relaxing and fantisising my idea. I think this book is a great impression of friendship and the important friends is to us all. In additional, this book not bias against evil or good since in every characters have their own good side along side with bad point. so, even though Harry potter meant to be the hero!, he still an idiot anyway.

My house situation hasn’t changed though I finally sorted out what I am going to do. I’ll leave the house because I feel this house ben ripped me off! both physicall and mentally.

I was so angry at some point that they both or in fact, three of them never paid me any respect and will always take for granted of me. Then, I’ve read my favourite book on buddhism wich is always does to me i.e. enlightened me so well. so, I still insist that forgiveness is the hardest thing for human beings to do and not everyone able to forgive people but I! though not a brilliant peson in fact quite bad.. I am able to forgive people most of the time.

Most of alll, meditation helps me a lot and to explain that will lead me to pages and pages to explain how good meditation is and how buddhism is not religion but branch of philosophy.

However, I still can’t stop myself of feeling sorry for myself that they take advantages of me. One of them wants to go and work in bangkok and she leaves it all to me, blame me of not follow up her job for her, burden me with her life which I have I take responsible for which in turn I shouldn’t think it’s my duty to do so but i do think that anyway.

so, I’ve tried so hard to avoid them, stay in my room or else be in library. sad enough that nobody seems to cae about my feelings but then again why should i bothered not having anyone interested in my life? Shouldn’t feel relax that I can live solitarily? theAs to that, no, since people never leave me alone this is because it’s “life” beause we are “human”