Let it be!

When I find myself in time of troubles, mother mary comes to me… speaking words of wisdom “let it be”

Not that I’m a christian of course but this song is such a buddhist’s thoughts… There will be an answer… let it be.

Thai time is my birthday now, I had a phone call from my beloved sister, the only sister that I have and who always love me, the sister that always give me some problems and yet always be there for me.

When the night is cloudy there is still lights shine on me!

The more peopl taking advantages of me (not that I have a lot for them to take!) the more I get stronger.

I have learnt through various situations that I have to be strong, I have to let it be, let it go… sometime, something at some point, we can’t change it.

There always be times that we find problems out of our control, many psychologists, psychiatrists and all that always suggest that “we” need to find the root of problem and try to solve from the root. Is that true? Is that so easy? No! not at all, there will be time that we find problems that cannot be changed and yet canot be solve. So, the  simplest way is “let things be”, “let things go” if things out of own control then “let it gone”

I always expect that life will be so even as well as our own paths. The more even path is, the stronger we get from walking on that path.

home

Another winter’s day has come and gone away…

Shockingly! this week since the beginning I’ve been asking to lend money whole week.

Starting by a thai person who’s been in Uk for ages, he desperate for money to pay of his credit card and all that, he wants 500 pounds, he asked me if I could borrow my mum for him.

Second one is my housemate who is always borrow mine anyway.

Third, a british guy who is as old as my uncle, doesn’t work, relies on benefit though did let me stay when I couldn’t find a house. I am suppose to move into his place the end of this month and agreed to pay him 100 pounds a month for bills etc. He asked me if he could have 100 pounds now because it is the time to pay for bills. Is that right though? I am not even move in, why should I pay?

After all these, I feel so tired, feel like I’ve been taken for granted, been wondering myself on what I’ve ever done to them? why are they so nasty to me? I’ve told them do not know how many times that i do not have money, I’m so broke myself anyway.

Then, the landlord emailed me accusing me of something… like I will not pay any money or something. My housemate the one who always take money from me, she rang the lnadlord and said that I have already asked someone to move in the end of this month. then, the landlord got angry with me saying that I should have let him know. but I haven’t actually decided yet whether to sublet to anyone that’s why I haven’t told him. However, was that her place to go and tel the landlord like that though?

I wish I could cry, cry to let all of these out, the problem is… I can’t. I’ve been represing my emotions for so long, I wanted to cry but I do not wish to, if someone understand what I mean.

Whenever I have problmes I will listen to music which is kind of help and one song that I have to listen when I’m sad or feeling so down is “can’t take that away” by Mariah Carry, and “let it be” and “home”

I want to go home, let my mum cook for me, hugs me and do not have to worry about anything else, don’t have to care whether this world will end, just be there, at home, with my mum and my sister.

Let me go home… I’m done… I don’t know how long that I will be able to tollerate, i can’t take anything anymore, i need peace, have a rest.

I’ve learnt, learnt that I have to be strong, one day I shall get my strength back at some point even though I’m so lonely.

fear and solutions

It hasn’t been easy for me at all to face so many problems all at once.

After all problems and problems, I still fear, fear of losing, fear of failure. I realise that these kind of feelings would happen to us all once in a while. Sometime I told myself to be brave, to stay calm and to forgive but then it seem that I as a human being have limitations. I find that the more I face problems the quicker i do fear.

I’m so scared that I will fail to do what I am doing, I fear of may be … truths.

I’ve been telling myself that I want to do good things for people but after all… is that really me?

I hope that 2 of my housemates will stop exploiting me,

in fact, I do hope that everyone wil stop exploiting me.

yes, precisely I have learnt that nobody is perfect and that including me.

finally back!

It’s March already! time goes so quick I feel lke i haven’t done anything productive at all.

I have finally finished Harry Potter which wasn’t bad after all. many people might have read it to get pleasure out of it which is of course, the theme of that book. However, I’ve found more than just relaxing and fantisising my idea. I think this book is a great impression of friendship and the important friends is to us all. In additional, this book not bias against evil or good since in every characters have their own good side along side with bad point. so, even though Harry potter meant to be the hero!, he still an idiot anyway.

My house situation hasn’t changed though I finally sorted out what I am going to do. I’ll leave the house because I feel this house ben ripped me off! both physicall and mentally.

I was so angry at some point that they both or in fact, three of them never paid me any respect and will always take for granted of me. Then, I’ve read my favourite book on buddhism wich is always does to me i.e. enlightened me so well. so, I still insist that forgiveness is the hardest thing for human beings to do and not everyone able to forgive people but I! though not a brilliant peson in fact quite bad.. I am able to forgive people most of the time.

Most of alll, meditation helps me a lot and to explain that will lead me to pages and pages to explain how good meditation is and how buddhism is not religion but branch of philosophy.

However, I still can’t stop myself of feeling sorry for myself that they take advantages of me. One of them wants to go and work in bangkok and she leaves it all to me, blame me of not follow up her job for her, burden me with her life which I have I take responsible for which in turn I shouldn’t think it’s my duty to do so but i do think that anyway.

so, I’ve tried so hard to avoid them, stay in my room or else be in library. sad enough that nobody seems to cae about my feelings but then again why should i bothered not having anyone interested in my life? Shouldn’t feel relax that I can live solitarily? theAs to that, no, since people never leave me alone this is because it’s “life” beause we are “human”

It’s been quite a while now that I haven’t put anything on here. I was quite busy or at least pretended to be busy!

My daily life hasn’t been changed much, a few things to sort out in house almost everyday, too much in life to think, to solve and to get annoy. I think I’m a lot calmer than previous few weeks though a bit sad but one can’t avoid sadness really. I’m now launch myself into Hary Potter book which I could have done it ages ago! but believe it or not! I’ve just started the first book not very long ago. I have always resent the fact of reading hary Potter because I couldn’t take it, I have tried so many times as I ‘ve said but now I think it’s the time! May be, after all if we open our mind and let it flow and go with things around us and try to understand or at least if we can’t understand everything we just have to let it past, then we’ll be happy.

happiness is the easy thing to find though the hardest thing to keep, I’ve learnt that many times.

I can’t remember whether I’ve said that my housemates argued on… must have been tuesday or monday. Anyway, wasn’t pleasant situation and yet, Ziba hasn’t done her work a paart from cleaning upher dishes and stuff but no hoovering, no toilet cleanings etc which she meant to do it this week, I sstill have to top up gas by myself tomorrow.

This is another reason that I like reading books,  doing that keep my mind away from those stupid shit besides gives a lot of pleasure, laughing, crying and after all it’s not real. As  Einstein said that imagination controls the world , and that is true enough, without  imagining things, we wouldn’t have great invented of internet, food procesors and great books to read.

Right i’ve got to  excuse myself and back to Hary Potter until I finish and find another book to read…

For the most unbearable!

yesterday, I went to the Sussex Eye hospital for the appointment to get myself registered blind and that to obtain blind certificate. I went there and stayed there for such long long time and i couldn’t stand it. By the time I left hospital I was ok, then I went to see geoff. He was ok, he was pleased to see me and so, we chatted and he told me things, I told him things though part of my stories were lie. I had to cause I didn’t want to see him and that i had to lie to him and had to carry on with it which is not good I know. I told him about moving, he offered me to stay, I wanted but then I had experiences with last year so I must admit that i have doubts in my mind. However, it seems that I have no other good choichoice if I want to save money and if I want to save money. This house is good except that I have pay a reidulously amount of money for gas, electricity, internet and household things. I’m sick of people ripping me off even my sister just recently done that to me. I’m so sad, more sad than ever because I wuldn’t expect my sister to do such a thing to me. I know that she desperate for money, but was that the way to get money? Am I nasty to her to make her want to rip me off? I’m tired, sick of human. I have so many issues, do with sister, mother, friends… but I will deal with it. i will have to and I will

one of those saturdays!

It’s nearly the end of this saturday now. I’m feeling not too well i mean physically though mentally not so good either. sagal came up this morning and borrowed 5 pounds from me with the incomprehensive reasons yet I gave it to her. The gas+electricity has run out and she went topped up )so she said) 10 each and that she said five+4+1 = 10 for me. 5 for borrwing me, 4 internet cost and 1 pound for toilet’s rolls etc (however, the cost of toilet’s roll were more expensive than a pound but anyway…).

She had friends stayed last night and left the heater fan on all night i guess and didn’t even turn it off when they left the room (no doubt why the electricity has run out os quick). Gas has been used up a lot! and that not gonna last for so long iehter.

Hve’t done much today, still detoxing myself.

First of all

After I’ve been blogging with many other sites. I am now hoping or thinking or wanting to stop and just keep blogging on this site only (but to that we shall see).

For some oddy reasons I went on google and did a usual things i.e. search and this site just popped up and so it began! I personally, like to write but most of the time don’t know what to write and not very good at it.

For yesterday.

I didn’t go to uni but I was gonna though, then again I thought it is only an hour lecture why bother to go in but I promise to myself that I will go next time, my excuse for this friday was that I had such a bad  aching, and that is true as well. Since i got back from liverpool, went to Sainsbury and had to carried all of those heavy shopping bags and cleaned the whole house plus tidied up my room, all of those had left me with body aching, not stomach, not just back but the whole body, besides I’m on my detoxication session i.e. eating just fruits, fruit juice, tea, water and nothing else, have made me a bit tired.

I downloaded Hary Potter the story that i’ve been always anti (not that I didn’t like) I used to try and it didn’t work, tried both version i.e. Thai and English , both formats i.e. braille and audiobook but didn’t work. However, I had a file from one of my friend so I listened and there it was! quite good though shouldn’t be that addictive. While I was listening to Hary Potter, one of my housemates came up and asked for some opinion on the privacy matter. We talked and I did give her some thoughts about it. She left her phone in my room for me to deal with a person. then, I couldn’t handle him lol! I did pass the phone back to her.

Matt and Ryan rang me, they both together, they both drunk! I don’t like to talk to drunk people though Matt didn’t sound so bad but Ryan. I still reckon that Ryan likes me that way which I don’t approve him to and if I know we need to sort something out. I won’t let him have that feelings for me since I do trust him as just a friend and he always insists it so he can’t.